Writing Maze

Most times when I start writing I have no idea where these points will end up. I don’t even know if they will be eventually be anywhere in the main body of text. I just ramble and ramble without end. Is this really what I want to do?

Temporal

I think short-term engagements are cruel. There is no indication of permanence, and you get stuck in this no man’s land of not knowing whether to make deeper connections or keeping things light. You try keeping everything on the surface initially, knowing that it would be easier when the time comes to part. But you just start to make more connections when you begin to feel more comfortable around the people, and it really makes everything so much more enjoyable.

But all these come with an expiry date. Not to say that contact will completely cease after you part, but something essential will change. That is the inevitable truth.
It’s fine when you are dealing with it once in a while. But multiple times in a year just hits you.

Brief, fleeting, fun. Before you can go further, things end. You start wondering if there is any sense of permanence in relationships you form after leaving formal education, and whether this will mark the way you meet and interact with new people the rest of your life.

Will it?

It’s been a long time!

Life has been busy ever since I came back from the UK. Every few months I experience a change in environment and that’s probably why I still feel like I’m in a stage of transition. Things have not settled down enough for me to actually get a sense of everything that has happened. I get this sense that I’m just floating about without any means of support sometimes, not just because of the different things I have been doing, but also because I seem to have to make quick decisions about relatively major things. It all boils down to my preference to want to sleep on things at least a week before I make a decision, and having a sense that my hand is being forced does not help matters. I also hate not being able to picture what lies ahead. While it does not need to be a clear five-year plan thing with all the objectives and steps laid out, I like to at least know what will happen and what it will be like a few months from now. I guess I have to wait a little longer for things to settle down, and for me to finally see where I am heading with all these decisions made. At least now I can put aside all those calculations and weighing of options that have plagued me since March.

On a brighter note, work is good. And that’s something I would never have been able to say if I had stayed on in my previous job. Best decision so far.

Checking In

It’s been a while since I have written anything at length on this site. People always say that inspiration comes when you are slightly depressed, so perhaps this is a good sign for my mental health, even if it means that I have not been particularly productive in this area.

I have been in a rather neutral state recently, having completed a short work stint at one place and waiting for confirmation from another. The upcoming work arrangement is something that I have been interested in for quite a long time, and I do hope it helps me grow professionally and allows me space to gain knowledge. In the meantime, I have just been letting myself (and my brain) go. I have been really lazy in doing anything remotely useful or mentally taxing – the most work I have done so far these 2+ weeks is reading fiction. Sounds really like a waste of time in this era, where one moment of rest seems like a sin of some sort against a ticking clock and work standard we all seem to hold ourselves against, but I am savouring it. It is such a rare opportunity to completely let go of work in any sense, to just stop planning ahead for once, and enjoy how it feels like to be not doing anything.

I guess this is a way of rewarding myself after advancing and working for such a long period without properly stopping. I have always been planning ahead – how to get a job as soon as possible after graduating; how to do well in my job and advance my career; how to avoid getting trapped in the blackhole of useless office politics and do actual work; how to write good grad school applications while working at the same time; and then how to do the best I can in school while living a relatively healthy life abroad by myself. I’m pretty sure I’m not the busiest person around. If I were to survey my friends around me, there are definitely those who have so much more on their minds and work much harder. But I felt like I needed a break, and therefore I took one. Work is important, but to me, family, as well as my mental and physical health are more important. Taking time out to recharge is therefore also a priority for me.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that my rest has completely recharged my energies, since I fell sick after the ten days. But it has also been a while since I can completely give in to an illness without worrying about work piling up while I’m recuperating, and just focus on recovering. No need to drag myself out of bed to go to work while I am still sick, or force myself to keep my concentration on work, only to feel terrible after I get home. Feels really good. I am definitely going to make the best of this so that I don’t regret it when my break comes to an end.

 

好词

“散落半生缘, 续完美残缺”
                                   – «新月»

要有什么样的感触, 才能写出这一句, 让没有这种经历的我, 也能感受到歌词向传达的情境与心声? 其实整首歌都很有画面和感觉。值得一听!