Temporal

I think short-term engagements are cruel. There is no indication of permanence, and you get stuck in this no man’s land of not knowing whether to make deeper connections or keeping things light. You try keeping everything on the surface initially, knowing that it would be easier when the time comes to part. But you just start to make more connections when you begin to feel more comfortable around the people, and it really makes everything so much more enjoyable.

But all these come with an expiry date. Not to say that contact will completely cease after you part, but something essential will change. That is the inevitable truth.
It’s fine when you are dealing with it once in a while. But multiple times in a year just hits you.

Brief, fleeting, fun. Before you can go further, things end. You start wondering if there is any sense of permanence in relationships you form after leaving formal education, and whether this will mark the way you meet and interact with new people the rest of your life.

Will it?

Checking In

It’s been a while since I have written anything at length on this site. People always say that inspiration comes when you are slightly depressed, so perhaps this is a good sign for my mental health, even if it means that I have not been particularly productive in this area.

I have been in a rather neutral state recently, having completed a short work stint at one place and waiting for confirmation from another. The upcoming work arrangement is something that I have been interested in for quite a long time, and I do hope it helps me grow professionally and allows me space to gain knowledge. In the meantime, I have just been letting myself (and my brain) go. I have been really lazy in doing anything remotely useful or mentally taxing – the most work I have done so far these 2+ weeks is reading fiction. Sounds really like a waste of time in this era, where one moment of rest seems like a sin of some sort against a ticking clock and work standard we all seem to hold ourselves against, but I am savouring it. It is such a rare opportunity to completely let go of work in any sense, to just stop planning ahead for once, and enjoy how it feels like to be not doing anything.

I guess this is a way of rewarding myself after advancing and working for such a long period without properly stopping. I have always been planning ahead – how to get a job as soon as possible after graduating; how to do well in my job and advance my career; how to avoid getting trapped in the blackhole of useless office politics and do actual work; how to write good grad school applications while working at the same time; and then how to do the best I can in school while living a relatively healthy life abroad by myself. I’m pretty sure I’m not the busiest person around. If I were to survey my friends around me, there are definitely those who have so much more on their minds and work much harder. But I felt like I needed a break, and therefore I took one. Work is important, but to me, family, as well as my mental and physical health are more important. Taking time out to recharge is therefore also a priority for me.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that my rest has completely recharged my energies, since I fell sick after the ten days. But it has also been a while since I can completely give in to an illness without worrying about work piling up while I’m recuperating, and just focus on recovering. No need to drag myself out of bed to go to work while I am still sick, or force myself to keep my concentration on work, only to feel terrible after I get home. Feels really good. I am definitely going to make the best of this so that I don’t regret it when my break comes to an end.

 

好词

“散落半生缘, 续完美残缺”
                                   – «新月»

要有什么样的感触, 才能写出这一句, 让没有这种经历的我, 也能感受到歌词向传达的情境与心声? 其实整首歌都很有画面和感觉。值得一听!

感想

最近偶然看到一篇文字, 作者说,当自己看到让人欢喜的一段话时,也会顿时感到开心。当他读到悲伤的句子时,他更会感触良多,而且也会记着那段话。作者想,他应该真的是个多愁善感的人。想了想,其实自己也和作者差不多,碰到欢喜的文字会高兴,读到悲伤的时候也会感慨万分。也似乎觉得悲伤的文字总是让人更难以忘却,更能触动人心。明明没那么不开心,可是就是对悲伤的文字情有独钟。 很多人都说,伤感或郁闷的时候是人最有创作灵感的时候。也许我是在藉由这些间接的感触来寻找灵感吧。也或许我就是喜欢搞忧郁的一个人。 也可能两者都是!哈哈。

PS: 我真的很不喜欢在电脑上用汉语拼音打华文字。真的太麻烦了!所以往往写了一小段就放弃了。:(

Real World Beckons

With money woes, no less.

It’s all good to talk about dreams and future plans, but not having money is seriously something I hate. If I am just talking about my day-to-day needs, I don’t need that much. But when it comes to special occasions like birthdays, weddings, baby showers etc, you need money. And unlike people who currently have jobs, I need to save on other stuff in order to prepare that amount of money.

I can go without expensive food or drinks with friends, but it is always a problem when they are the ones who are drawing steady (and relatively high) salaries and can easily afford many of the things that you are definitely out of your budget. It’s hard to always ask others to accommodate to your budget, since there is nothing stopping them from spending on things they can afford in the first place. And even if they do offer, there is no reason for them to always treat you when the place gets too expensive for your own budget. I thought the best way would be to say go ahead, and join them when they go for an inexpensive place the next time. The problem comes, however, when you get people who try to be thoughtful and make accommodations, but completely miss the point. Do you go ahead because you appreciate the thought, or do you make yourself sound so damn difficult to please by not turning up all the same? Honestly, you can’t win.

It’s at times like this that I have the slightest twinge of angst regarding my decision to leave my job, which was, to be honest, high-paying and a promising career. Just that twinge, because there was no need to scrimp and save and count every expense. I am already feeling quite useless living at home and leeching off my parents for daily necessities, so I don’t want to feel even worse by having to ask for money from them. I know this is a sacrifice that I willingly made, but I just can’t help feeling that urge to go out and get a high-paying job again, regardless of the job scope.

I sometimes feel a little out of touch with the friends who are deep in the rat race. I just took one year off it, and already I feel so different. I’m not sure if my career choices in the future will take me back into that world or veer me off completely, but at this point I can sense differences in lifestyle and priorities between some friends and I. I know real life needs have to be satisfied, but I really hope I don’t forget why I made that choice one year ago. Let this be a belated new year resolution for 2013, and also an early one for 2014, as well as the many years to come.